19 June 2004

The Conveyor Belt

Life is like a conveyor belt of Japanese food, moving the many dishes along. Each plate is a different colour, of different value, each covered with a transparent plastic, alluring one to uncover it, to taste it and to consume it. Each day, different events, people and situations pass our way…much like the dishes do…they move along like little floats at Chingay, enticing and alluring us to temptation. Try me, try me, as though it is calling out to us. Sometimes the dish we uncover is great, it makes us smile and is delicious. Another dish may look nice but taste horrid. We learnt through our experiences to uncover those that we know very well, part to protect and for pleasure. Along the way are the spices of life, the wasabe. These things titillate our senses and occasionally an overdose sets the nostrils tingling! We like it that way, don’t we? It may mean getting burnt, hurt or exposed, but we do it knowing full well the consequences. Call it courage or stupidity, there is little difference between the two. I prefer to call it impulse-the excuse word for forgetfulness to consult the mind and rationale. It is strange that we continually choose this path despite being hurt time and again. Perhaps one just wants to follow the heart? There is no need to explain why, is there? Today I was forced to uncover a dish I did not expect myself to, and it was not what I expected in it. I was also not ready to pay the price stated. But I had to. The dishes came all at once and my confused mind tried to grapple with all the favors-it was bitter, bitter and more bitter. I found myself choking inside, I don’t really know what to do, what to say and how to feel? I just felt like my heart got cut. It was a strange feeling. Does this mean so much to me? Most importantly, the reason is not what everyone thinks is. But I cannot begin to explain it, it will appear like a loser's excuse. I'd rather not. My life does not depend on it, I tried convincing myself. I guess it hurts as much to behold an item of great beauty and to see it go, knowing that I cannot own it. It is better to let it go now, than never. Now I wonder if I would allow myself the courage to be discovered again? It will bring upon vulnerability, hurt and betrayal. Again, the tender heart is bruised. I wonder how and when it could be healed and fit to go back onto the saddle again. Maybe not ever again…

No comments: