17 June 2004

End of the Ride

It has been 7 months exactly since I’ve started road cycling on 16 Dec ‘03. To say the least, it has been an eye-opener to my small world of road training and racing, and delving into the deepest emotions and minds of cyclists. Though it may be too short to call it a ‘career’, the extreme myriad of emotions, the intense way I pushed myself at trainings, picked myself up after I failed and talked myself out of depression after bad rides…all worth a good long chapter in my biography. The friends I made during this period were as diverse as the east is from the west, great as well as nasty. Everything in these 7 months is intense, extreme and deep. Emotions wreak havoc when I think about the kind of investment I made and I mean, in emotional terms. It is unbelievable, even to myself…sometimes I feel guilty, at times indifferent, other times convinced I allowed myself over-vulnerable. I felt sorry for myself. All that I did was sincere, impulsive, real and emotional. To say I lived with a carpe diem attitude alone is shallow as it carried more than just a ‘seize the day’ without an emotional investment. I allowed myself to be discovered, to be revealed and made vulnerable. Against all hope of cynicism and skepticism, I maintained a genuine heart of care and sincerity. This could not, however, resist the forces of hurt perceptions and seared hearts. I became a victim instead. It brought on much tears. Cycling was a unique journey that revealed a part of myself which I never saw. I never anticipated the scenery that I would see during this ride, the bumps along the way and the many crashes I experienced emotionally. It was never, never this deep. I had not quite experienced such an emotional depth as this in quite a long time. Call it chance, destiny, chemistry, connection or pure coincidence, the fireworks came and now it’s over. Perhaps it happened too fast, too deep and too intense for comfort. The untrained heart is unable to handle. The seared heart did not even notice a difference or the wound it caused. It had done this many times, and this adds to the record, that’s all. Today, I am thinking of ending this journey on wheels. I will stop riding. The journey must end here before it puts any more strain on the concerned persons. It should not have ended this way, it should not have, and need not have. I cannot think of a reason to carry on, and the very reasons I had started may be wrong reasons. But they were reasons strong enough to get me up at 4:25am training 4 times a week and giving my all for the races. These reasons yielded decent results. These very reasons are why I should stop riding. It is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the way the wheel is.

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