26 FEB 2002 Tuesday WEEK OF BLESSED BEGINNINGS This week began with a Bang! The healing virtue of Jesus zapped me on the Sunday service and healed me of a one-mth plus nagging pain in the left side of my back. Praise God!! It was a morning of back healing and the stiffness I usually felt was immediately gone. I could now bend backwards, which I could usually not do before. Thereafter, I knew that this week will be a week of blessings and miracles. The next miracle was manifested juz the very next day. I was down for a 3rd round of interview at my potential work place...the usual routines went on...and after leaving, felt the victory was far. Then I received a call from my boss-to-be to say I got the job. Praise God! Put your trust in God and see if His blessings will not overflow and flood your life. I think it's quite unbelievable to land a job in exactly 1 mth of hunting. I wasn't even hunting really hard...sent out not many resumes. Not that I was lazy, but I was expecting something on my way...and juz rested in His grace, and brainstorming about my 'lil business venture'. I'm still not sure if I should really import those silk handbags and if I will have time to sell them to make a profit. My spirit says 'amen' and my work schedule says 'maybe not'...I'll pray about it and make a decision.

21 Feb 2002, Thursday 5 MONTHS ARCHIVE It's been nearly 5 mths since I last filled in my e-journal. It felt like 5 weeks. The more I have to write, the less I wrote. Such is the irony that I am forcing myself to make a check, face myself and archive the past. Yes, archive the past so that I can move on...Maybe I was hesitant to archive the past, harbouring a secret hope to revive dreams unfulfilled, or that the skeletons in the closet are haunting me anew. Finding a topic to begin with is a tough task, just as I do not know what is the cause and what the result is. Sometimes we do not know what we really want, to reach there only to find out we want something else. Or, we stumble upon something we never dreamed we'd do and feel the Oomph we would associate with a dream fulfilled. I conclude that life and all its complexities are made more complex when we attach technical terms to it. They are really not always what it seems to be. We reach a goal only to feel empty and aimless, or contend with 'at least I've been there and done it' or 'Just do it'. We move on to find a new goal and trudge on the journey, neverending journey with an insatiable appetite. Take an interview I attended today at a Marketing firm for example, the ad says 'Marketing Executive' and I went ahead with the interview with blistering results. We were told there'll be series of shortlisting and we'll be informed if we are shortlisted by next Tuesday. Not more than 10 minutes had gone by when I received a call inviting me to a second interview tomorrow. I was ecstatic! Praise the Lord! I placed a ring to my sister who was more certain than certain that this job is no more than a Salesgirl post. The signs were verifying themselves to me indeed. I felt guilty of doing my best in that interview. I had made sure to present the most positive body language that employers look for, spoke well, charming smiles, projecting a professional, confident and pretty image. I went an extra mile to present the Manager with my full resume without being asked. I had assumed what was not to be my career goal to be mine i.e. Salesgirl. This is a petty example. Professional terms are not what they seem to be and when we discover the truth, we become guilt-ridden and sorry. Terms are superficial and superfluous. They restrict us with its definition and prevents us from stepping beyond its boundary. I choose to admit my ignorance than to pretend knowledgeability. Back to the archives of the last 5 mths of my life...I'm happy, and relieved to be able to keep it archived forever. It has been blessed with blissful joys and marred with malicious evils. Since gracing the podium of victory during the SEA Games, I also stepped into the chasm of being-backstabbed and accused. Thank God I survived the valley of shadow of death. I've since reached the end of my wits with regards to my windsurfing career. My coach had quit in a huff just weeks after the 2001 SEA Games, allegedly unhappy over his salary and treatment from the Fed. We all knew how he felt and knew how he was treated all those time...but each time, we would get stepped over with more professional reasons which the authorities and journalists would agree with, or pretend to agree. The vacuum could never be filled and for these 4 plus months, I was training every single day, diligently, alone in the huge seas. Each time, I was greeted with a 'we are doing our best' and 'it's not easy to find a coach'. When I get called up to lone meetings, I was lashed at, verbally. I was accused of instigating journalists to popularise windsurfing and to accuse them of not doing enough. I was accused of creating unrest among the sailors and having a personal agenda. I could not defend myself, given the fierce anger ripping me apart, I could only say 'I don't know why you are doing this to me?' and fight to contain tears that threaten to emerge from under my eyes. Malicious gossips were even spread that I did not resign from my previous company to train full-time. That I was probably sacked and turned to the solace of sports. Well-meaning journalists have called me to advise me to opt out as the Fed thinks negative of me. I cannot begin to explain what I did not do...I was simply training diligently daily and gently probing about training plans and keeping tab on development. I was not given quantifiable selection criteria and my selection was based on 'evaluation' by dinghy people who claimed to understand windsurfing. 4 mths had passed, and the coach's visa was still pending. Training stints could not be confirmed. Training with Asian countries who are also training for the Asian Games who don't speak our language, I wonder how effective it will be. Coincidentally, the Thai training trip was promised a couple of days after the national body was tipped off about the lack of training plans. I was told to pack up and fly off the next week, if possible, in a day's notice. I do not understand the urgency when I've waited for more than 4 mths, plus, Thailand is a place where we are welcome to go ANYTIME of the year. They seemed to have picked up on the idea only now. I was to have missed Chinese New Year and a holiday trip unless I buy my own ticket back. Just when I was named on the Training Squad did I withdraw from the selections formally. Journalists followed up on their own stories about me and what I set out to do from the beginning. I must not be giving up, it seems. I knew in my heart that the best they've done, or so they claimed, is not good enough. The double standards are more than glaring and even the dumbest person can deduce the facts. I was told I need not have a coach in order to train for Asian Games. Then why are there coaches for every dinghy class? It would have been a disgrace to represent my country with sub-standard preparation. It would have been an insult to the Games itself. My goal was to race with a medal-winning chance, not to just have fun in the Opening Ceremony and to boast I've been there before. I have better things to do, honestly. If I'm not ready, I will not run the race. Better to admit my weakness than to boast of assumed capability. In any case, I knew I wouldn't be selected, I'll be dropped conveniently along the way, according to their 'plan of unpreparedness' for me. Thanks but no thanks. That decision had bugged me...especially after I've read how the journalists interpreted that and developed their stories. On my way back from Vietnam holiday, I was suddenly gripped by fear of facing reality once more. A fear of having to defend myself for something I've not done; for having to be public with a personal struggle/issue. One has to tell the story differently when telling it to the public. It's just not the same. Each of us have a public responsibility...to always appear to be that hope in the midst of hopelessness; the strength in a mire of fear and the ray of light in pitch darkness. There's nothing to write about giving up, re-focusing, change of priorities...hence, I was forced to admit that I'm not giving up racing YET. Hence, the clear assumption would be that I will still race in the next SEA Games and beyond. I have to say yes...don't we all have this civic duty to give hope to our fellow citizens? I hope to spend some time with myself...probably a month of rugged backpacking in the northern hills of Thailand. In my seclusion, I will write more chapters for the BLOGGER. Ciao!!